Hello Internet (Again)


I'm back!

When I logged on to Blogger, I wasn't sure if there'd be anybody who still came on anymore but I saw that 2 people (one from France and one from the UK) had been on today. There may still be hope - so here goes!

Last year I attempted Blogmas but, as you probably noticed, I only got as far as day 11. If you don't have a blog then you'll most likely think that I just got bored with it and couldn't be bothered carrying on. However, those of you who do own a blog and have tried doing daily posts, you will probably understand how hard it can be to actually pull it off. This is especially true when you have loads of school work to do as well. Trust me, it's a lot of pressure and, before attempting Blogmas, I don't think I quite understood how much work it would take to do it.

I don't want it to seem like I'm just making excuses for myself - because that's not what I want to do. I'd just like to explain why I had to stop and why I haven't posted anything since. In the simplest form: I'd just had enough of everything and I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. 2016 hadn't been a particularly good year for me, especially towards the end. The pressure from school just seemed to reach its peak and I felt like I was just a poor excuse for a human being. To be honest, I couldn't really see what my purpose in life was and I felt hopeless. I went from having nights where I couldn't sleep at all and nights where I slept for 13 hours and didn't want to wake up. My appetite was just as irregular - varying from having days where I barely ate a thing and then days where I binged on every food I could find. I didn't want to talk to anybody about how I was feeling because I just felt like I was being stupid. I ended up just isolating myself.

Now, looking back, I was just a hormonal teenager feeling sorry for herself. But, back then, I didn't know what to do with myself and I felt like there was no point in continuing with Blogmas. My posts were getting shorter and vaguer. I didn't like the work which I was producing so I thought that there was no point in continuing. So I stopped.

After a few days of stopping posting, I began feeling a bit happier - like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Naturally, I began to wonder whether having this blog was worth it after all. When I'd first started, writing had helped me with my confidence and taken my mind off school. But I began to wonder if, in fact, it had done the opposite and added to the pressure.

Luckily, however, all of this happened near a New Year. The time in the upcoming of a New Year is always full of optimistic people, people who are hopeful for the future (pretty much the opposite to me). Normally, I ignore all of this as I'm not really into celebrating the New Year and making New Year's Resolutions. This year, however, I began to really consider who I was as a person. I began to realise that, by being a pessimist and being negative about everything, I'm effecting other people as well as myself. By isolating myself, I've made my mum worry more. By being paranoid and touchy, I've probably made my friends' lives a lot harder at school. And I really don't want to be that person.

That's why I decided that, this year, I'm going to try and be happier. Instead of making life a dark pit of misery and paranoia, I'm going to stay positive as often as possible. I'm only 15 and I need to realise that I don't need to have my whole life mapped out in front of me.

As for the blogging, I'm going to carry on. I realised that the weight on my shoulder isn't my blog. The weight is me. The only reason I felt like blogging was ruining me was because of the pressure which I was putting on myself. I didn't know my limits and I now know that I shouldn't have taken on Blogmas. From now on, I'm going to post once a week (or maybe even once a fortnight). I'm not going to set a day; I'm just going to write when I want to because I don't want to make myself too much work. I hope you understand this and I'm sorry if this has disappointed anyone.

Sorry for the very long, wordy post. If you've gotten this far, congrats!
Also, I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Year and I hope you all had a great Christmas if you celebrate it (and a great December, if you don't).
I'm actually really looking forward to 2017 and I really feel like it's going to be a good year. I hope so, anyway.

Thank you so much for reading,
Elsie A x

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